


That Shadow of Doubt

by Just_passing_time



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - Royalty, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, M/M, Male Slash, Modern Royalty, No Smut, Royalty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:14:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23763673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_passing_time/pseuds/Just_passing_time
Summary: When Connor Murphy, a cliched screw-up of a prince, gets sent to the same boarding school that anxiety-ridden, quiet, scholarship-holder Evan Hansen goes to, some interesting changes take place, some for the better, some for the worse.
Relationships: Alana Beck & Jared Kleinman, Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Her Royal Highness](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/608926) by Rachel Hawkins. 
  * Inspired by [Dear Evan Hansen](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/608941) by Benj Pasek, Justin Paul, and Steven Levenson. 



> This is kind of a crossover between Her Royal Highness (a great wlw book) and Dear Evan Hansen, so if you think the storyline sounds similar, that's why :).

Connor’s POV

So, I’m a big fat cliche. I’m that goddamn prince who has “gone off the rails”, and “lost all sanity”. That one royal screwup who does drugs and men. Well, everyone knows only about the first part, but I’m sure if they knew the second I’d be totally written off. At least now some people keep me around because I might “produce an heir” or whatever. Well, they have Zoe for that. She’s the perfect one. Always around to attend fancy banquets, to laugh at the bad jokes some prince of wherever-Shire. But, really, I’m glad she’s here. Otherwise, my family would be completely distraught. No hope. They’d only have me. 

And who the hell would want me?

Not them. That’s why they’re sending me off to “boarding school”, yet another cliche to add to my sad, sad, story. They say it’s to regain my sense of inner balance or something, but it’s clear they want me out of their hair. Which is fine. I wouldn’t want to be here either. But there’s a tiny little problem. See, as I said, I do drugs. I smoke weed. And my weed guy lives here. And boarding school is on the other side of the freaking world. A place where people are savages, where there is no such thing as urbanization, and it’s run by a bunch of hooligans. America. And I don’t know where the hell I’ll get my weed there, and truthfully, I can’t live without it. It may be killing me slowly, but all I wish is that it would kill me faster. 

Oh, and one more thing. My weed guy? He’s been in love with me for years. And I’ve… well, there’s not a nice way to put this. I thought he was an okay kisser, and I was kind of desperate. So, we hooked up. Once or twice or maybe a hundred times, who knows? And it’s given this dude some idea that we’re meant to be, so he keeps giving me flowers, and what can I do? I’m not completely heartless. I take them. Of course, as soon as he’s gone, I throw them away, but he doesn’t know that. Some might think what I’m doing is cruel, but I’m sure he prefers it this way too. That he’s just kidding himself that he’s “in love with me”. Because, really, who would be? I’m a mess, I’m just a waste of space. My dad’s told me myself. And I believe him. There’s nothing good in me that the weed guy would be able to see- would be able to fall in love with. It’s probably that he’s desperate too. I guess I should maybe stop calling him weed guy, huh? Miguel. That’s his name. 

I’ve never been in love. Not with Miguel, not with anybody. And I doubt I will. I don’t deserve love, and whoever thinks differently doesn’t know the things I’ve done. 

I’m just stalling, to be honest. It’s not that I’ll be homesick, or whatever, but maybe I’ll miss Miguel just a little bit. For the weed. And the sex. But mostly the weed. 

He’ll miss me a lot more than I’m going to miss him, and while that sounds horrible to say, we can never love someone the same amount they love us. Whether we love them more or less. 

I’m sure I’ll be able to find some weed in America. I’m smart like that. 

And if I don’t, I’ll make the first person I see find it for me. I may not be able to pack a good punch, but I look like I can, and so far, that’s been enough. 

The car ride to the airport was terse. My family came to drop me off- with along five guards for each of us that was there. Yet another thing I wouldn’t miss at all. My parents have completely given up on me, but to stop rumors, they’ve sent a guard with me. They say it’s for my safety, but I know if they had their way, they’d have let anyone shoot me- hell, they might’ve done it themselves. I wouldn’t blame them. 

When we got there, my mother went in for a hug- all the goodbye I’d get. It felt nice for a split second until I felt her stiffen as she smelt the weed on my breath. 

“Connor… Are you high?” she whispered softly so only the entire goddamn airport could hear her.

“He’s definitely high.” my sister chipped in. Quick to defend me, as always. 

“I don’t want you going on the plane high, Connor.” my Mother’s voice broke on my name, but I was past feeling remorse. 

I wanted to cut back with a “then I won’t go” but to be perfectly honest, even with Miguel considered- I couldn’t wait to be free of the disapproving glances when I was doing absolutely nothing to warrant them- just my presence was enough to make them disappointed. 

Okay, so I wasn’t being completely honest. That wasn’t the only reason I was okay with going. A small, childish part of me thought maybe if I went halfway across the world… I could change myself. A little bit. Because as much as I hate other people, I hate myself so, so much more. 

I only allow myself these thoughts rarely- and it’s not really in my power. Whenever I’m high, I’m in bliss. Because I can ignore the mess that I am. 

The plane ride was blissfully long- 12 hours. Nobody accounting for me except one guard, so thin and weak I could probably take him out. Even though I couldn’t punch for the life of me. My parents had really not spared any expense. 

We finally landed in a place called North Hampshire which sounded suspiciously British. I really couldn’t be free of all these fancy goddamn names. I was going to a school called Exeter something, which sounded nice enough, for someone who gave a crap. That wasn’t me. I was glad my parents weren’t here but, damn. Twelve hours. No weed. Maybe I’d miss Miguel after all.

My thoughts were all over the place, and I was shaking as we got out of the airport. If my guard noticed, he said nothing. I needed weed.  
I would say maybe if I stopped thinking about it, the want would go away, or ease slightly. But no. It will be a want for a minute, then a need, a choking need that will steal my breath and cloud my mind. 

I better get the hell into the school and lose the freaking guard soon. The place… was nice, I guess. I could see the airport behind us as we took a speeding taxi away from it, and it was a huge grey block in the midst of quite a bit of greenery, but honestly, who gave a crap? All I’d be doing here is getting stoned as much as possible, and if I got thrown out, who cared? After all, my parents had enough money to get me back in. 

I could do whatever I wanted. 

I let those words course through my veins, and they momentarily blocked out the feeling of my body itching for my weed-

“We’re here.” the guard grunted, and tossed my bags to me- something I’m sure he wouldn’t have had the courage to do had my parents, or even my sister, been here, and I contemplated telling him that, but then decided it was more important to be rid of him as soon as possible, so kept my mouth shut. 

“I’ll be staying a car ride away, if you need me, you have my number.” the guard had a monotonous voice, but thankfully, he got back inside the cab and slammed the door. I was left staring at the back of it. I’d have to remember to delete his number from my phone later. For now, to find some weed. And my room, I guess.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see Connor and Evan meet for the first time- this time, in Evan's POV. Will our shy boyo ever get over his fear of the brooding prince??? Yes. It's fanfiction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LOVE THIS CHAPTER I DON'T KNOW WHY OFADSFKJSOAFJSF EVAN IS BEST BOI

Evan’s POV

I was here. Crap. I thanked my taxi driver, palms sweaty, head down. The ride here was horrible. My Mom, with a lot of hugs and apologies, told me she wouldn’t be able to drop me because there was some company dinner she just couldn’t miss. Which, I guess, was fine. Except the taxi driver tried making conversation, and, unless you haven’t met me, you’d know that I suck at conversation. Which is probably why most of you haven’t met me. Hi. I’m Evan Hansen. But you might already know that so me introducing myself is probably weird so I should probably stop talking. 

Anyway. Deep breaths. 

The trees were beautiful. That’s all I tried to focus on, not the huge stone building in front of me that may be architecturally pretty cool, but I’d be spending the next year here, and sure, I’d see my Mom on holidays but who the hell thought this was a good idea-

Trees. Trees. There were so many trees. Pine trees. Bearberry trees, which I didn’t know about until my summer job. Okay. There were nice trees here. At least after every horrible day here, I could sit under the trees and like, read, or whatever people do under trees. Maybe not read, because maybe that’s weird, and maybe people will realize I’m weird-

“Are you going in? Some of us have to, and you’re blocking the damn entrance.” someone was behind me. Talking to me. Crap. I turned around slowly, and- wait. He was familiar. Maybe I should ask him? But that would be weird, what if he thought I stalked him or something- That was stupid, this was the first time I was meeting him- Okay. I needed to stop thinking. Stop. Goddamn. Thinking. Wait, but the entrance was wide enough for like four of me. Or maybe five, I didn’t really know. Why couldn’t he just go around me? Maybe he wanted to make conversation. But with his multiple piercings and all-black wardrobe, he didn’t look the bubbly type. 

I realized I had been staring at him for a few minutes too long when he finally pushed me aside. I’m sure he didn’t mean to push me that hard, but my balance was off, and I fell. Right on my broken arm. I let out a high squeak, and the boy turned around. Crap. He noticed. I stood up quickly. 

“I’m fine…” I muttered, my face burning up. Oh no, I forgot how red my face turned when this happened. Plus my palms were sweaty. I rubbed them on my jeans and prayed he would walk on. Instead, he walked closer to me.

“How’d you break your arm?” he asked, pointing to my un-signed cast.

“Um… I… I fell off a tree? And, like, yeah I was climbing it, and then I fell-” I was shaking and stuttering, and, oh, this wasn’t good. He was laughing. Laughing. Why couldn’t he have just ignored me like every normal person?

“You fell out of a tree? That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.” he was doubled over now, and, I can laugh at myself, but in this case, I really didn’t get what was so hilarious. He straightened back up, and eyed my cast more carefully. I thought for a second, for some reason, he was going to ask to sign my cast, but he just turned around and walked inside, his bags trailing behind him. 

I shouldn’t have been shaking so much. I really shouldn’t. This was going to happen a lot here. People trying to talk to me. At least for the first few days. 

Why wasn’t my Mother here? She should be. I let that familiar anger at her bubble up in me for a moment, enough to give me a jolt of strength, then pushed it back down before I’d start crying. At least wait ‘till you get to your room to start blubbering like an idiot, Evan. 

I stumbled up the stairs until I was finally inside the building. The building itself wasn’t too remarkable- a grey block of concrete, which looked way too school to be a regular school, let alone boarding. I felt my palms begin to sweat again, and I cursed under my breath. I had to walk in. Someone else might come and try to talk to me. Or push me aside. 

A ssoon as I pushed open the heavy doors, a woman bustled up to me “What’s wrong, honey?”

I was taken aback, looking down at my clothes to see if there was, in fact, anything wrong. I finally mumbled a soft “Nothing”, and she looked as confused as I felt. 

“Then… why are you here?” she looked up at me, and surveyed my clothes. “Are you… a student? Here at Exeter?” 

Obviously. Why else would I be here? I mean, the trees are pretty and stuff, but this isnt’ really a place I’d go on holiday. By myself. Without my Mother. “A new one… yeah.. Um.” I could feel how close she was standing to me, and I just needed her to let me breathe- my head was hurting, and I didn’t know what to do. Then I stepped back and looked at her clothes. She was in… hospital scrubs? 

“Darlin’, this is the Nurse’s Building. Judgin’ by your bags and your clothes, you’re looking for the actual school buildin’. And the dorms.” she gestured to outside the building. So, I’d come from the back. Interesting. And really goddamn stupid. I’m sure there was a huge front entrance, how had my taxi driver missed it? 

I hurried past her, and I can’t remember if I thanked her or not- I’m usually not so impolite, but I’m also usually not so mortified.

Finally, I got out of the nurse’s building- why would they even need a whoe building for nurses? How many did they even have? How many did they need? What happened here that they had to have so many nurses?

Stop. Goddamn. Thinking.

I went around the side until I finally found the front entrance. As I’d presumed it, was pretty damn glorified, and the school was huge. It was a castle. I hadn’t been able to see it from the back, as the nurse’s building had completely blocked it, but woah. Who knew something like this could exist in the same country I lived in? Something so majestic, so sweeping, so grand?

And I’d be living here for the next few months. This wasn’t where I belonged. I’d known that since I got a writing scholarship here- I was sure everyone else would be rich. I had always known I wouldn’t belong here. But it was only now that it was fully setting in.

I took a deep breath which, as usual, did absolutely nothing, and stepped inside. I made a mental note to myself, like my therapist had told me to do. Dear Evan Hansen, today’s going to be a great day. As I made that note, I knew it was a lie. 

And it wasn’t even one that I believed.


End file.
